Kaos

Toata treaba asta cu blogul pe care nu il citeste nimeni devine vag amuzanta. Lumea se conecteaza prin zeci de motoare si motorase online si de fapt nimeni habar n-are ..sau probabil isi inchipuie ca au habar. Open space-ul are niste bariere nevazute.

"esti suparata?" ..."Nu, doar am atatea de facut incat mi se pare un lux sa lancezesc cateva minute online." M-am lasat de fumat si nu ma mai pot autodistruge pe bucatele, in pauze mici, afara.

Seen Pan a few days ago.

O poiana portocalie cu copaci incetosati. E o poza de pe deviantart vag asemanatoare.

Un vis cu o caprioara calcata de o masina.

O camera intr-o cladire veche, cu o lumina chioara. Mama, alaturi, nu putea sa doarma, ca si mine. Tipetele vecinei mele nebune se insinueaza in orice vis care include cladiri, se ascund in pereti.

Iar tu, X, iti inchipui ca daca scrii o carte poti exorciza ceva din nebunie..sau ca cineva te va intelege? Nu esti decat la nivelul celor care citesc carti de Coelho si se simt profunzi. Fiecare e la un anumit nivel al palniei.

Pana la urma fiecare isi inchipuie ca gratiile sunt fie aurite, fie nu exista.

This life

Acest blog arata cam shitty, plus ca oricum nu il citeste nimeni.
Si daca blogger tot transforma totul in romana, instant, m-am gandit sa scriu si eu in romana. Oricum scrisul meu in ultimii ani decade in mod constant, iar de la miile de mailuri corporatiste scrise in engleza, modul in care tastez pare un spellcheck automat pentru limba engleza...

asa ca decad. sanatatea mea se duce pe campii. mintea mea la fel, incetul cu incetul. ar trebui sa schimb numele blogului, ca cine stie, toata munca mea de recruiter s-ar duce dracului daca s-ar vedea ce devin in minunata mea cariera. Dar anyway, se mai intampla si la case mai mari. Incerc sa transform modul in care muncesc. mi-am dat seama ca un concediu nu ma va ajuta sa ma pun pe picioare. In doua luni voi fi exact la loc. munca nu o sa devina mai putina. dar ar trebui sa devin eu mai desteapta :)) si sa ma organizez ceva mai bine. Asa ca am inceput. Azi a fost o zi buna, una din cele in care te afunzi intr-o mare de date, le analizezi si la final spui "Da, stiu ceva mai multe decat la inceput, stiu ce se intampla aici."

In fine. probabil ca o sa sterg post-ul asta la un moment dat.
Otherwise, dincolo de spleen-ul de mai sus (ce bine ar fi daca as avea macar putin de spleen! asa, un coltisor din care sa rontai! m-as lafai in plictiseala...ce dor imi e sa ma plictisesc...), incerc sa mai citesc cate ceva. Ca sa nu rancezesc de tot. Amantele (tradus in mod stupid, nu e vorba de doua femei impreuna, ci de doua femei care iubesc) - scris intr-un mod care mi-a adus aminte de Dogville. Ma intreb daca nu tot asa ne calcam si noi in picioare, zi de zi. Ne distrugem cate putin. Invatam sa ne comportam in mod adecvat in business, sa fim inteligenti emotional. Si cu parintii sau cu cei pe care ii iubim dam de pamant, ca, deh, trebuie sa ne refulam cumva.

Am prostul obicei ca atunci cand sunt in depresie, sau intr-o stare ce trece de mijlocul axei negative, sa merg mai departe. Nu ma intorc, ma afund din ce in ce mai mult. De obicei ies pe partea cealalta, obosita, zdrentuita, insa la lumina. Mi-e teama ca daca as incerca sa ma intorc n-as gasi drumul...

Smokey Joe

"it terrifies me"

sung by Tori as Pip, in a red dress. falling on the floor, singing in a hoarse voice.

Something breaks inside me each time I listen to her, since the concert.
I must be going a slight bit mad. I used to call this "moonlightning" - being repelled by something you love.

my world is turning..not upside down but inside out. The colours are changing in a grotesque way. I am tired, and have the little masochist satisfaction of working myself to exhaustion.

Something must change here otherwise I will collapse.

Incest - Anais Nin

Haunted by a book. It lifted me up and made a whirlwind out of my thoughts like almost no book before (the english patient was still a stronger obsession). Writing in my mind like her, knowing that if my artistic temper had been just a little more gifted, I could have been her.
I am her, in a way, just now. With my love, with my sensuality still hidden, a girl, a lover, half a woman.

I am drawing again, an image seen in one of the extasy moments. In grey and dark green.
Been dreaming last night - a fishnet full of little babies, children with soft white skin, taken out of the sea. I was swimming in the sea but could not save them. They were eating the babies, cooking them in the most horrible way until they became crispy. Then of course they would be coming after me. I decided to wake up and, half awake, realized that it could mean the following: I am afraid that "they" - the company - might take away my deepnes, the sea, and all the treasures inside it. They might roast them and feed from them, while I would stand unable to fight back in any way. But this will not happen. I am alive, the book keeps me so. I dive into another personality, finding resemblances with myself, fantasising.

And when I will finish..I will start it again, or buy a new one :)

shifting places

I'm leaving.
changing companies. different positions. different people.
It's already commonly known that people make a company, and as much as they can be annoying and frustrating sometimes, they are the ones you miss when you leave the company.

Dragos said in a sales training that the selling process doesn't take place between organizations. It takes place between two persons - it's about the relationship.
It's the same with your career - you develop a relationship not with the company, but with the ensemble of people you work with each day.

I will miss them. But as much as I'll miss them, I'm looking forward to the new people I will get to know and learn from.

Blooming

This came to me on the subway, on my way home.
There are different kinds of emotions - the ones that are driven by something in the outer world, like sadness for losing a friend, or happiness for getting a gift you had put on your wishlist. Then there are the other emotions, kind of mixed up usually, triggered by something that has nothing to do with you, like a movie or a particular song. These are the ones that make me feel alive. Like a wave that lifts you up and then trashes you to the sand.

Then there's this second thing. There are people...extraordinary people, who have a spark, that touches the world around them. When you are with them, you feel touched by this sort of light and energy. They bloom in certain moments and get "aligned" with themselves, they are integrated in their own universe. In their own way, they are complete.
I felt unbloomed. Like sometimes I feel like screaming or like dancing madly, but I know it's not a proper thing to do. My time has not yet come, I am not complete in my experiences.

And some people pass by this moment of blooming and stay opaque their whole lives. Songs do not touch them, nor does art.
There are people who help you bloom, in short moments. And there are people who shut you down.

I'm sure this was said before in some psychology book but I just felt like writing it down.

12 fix

This is the time this blog was created.
Mainly it's done to help keep an update of moments, things I spot passing by me each day.

Plus pictures I take, doodles I draw, people I meet, plus, plus...

enjoy
Mer